When the Holidays are Hard

Finding Peace When You Can't

Photo by Matteo Raw on Unsplash

Audio:

The holidays are often the happiest time of the year for many people.  It’s easy to forget that for many, the family gatherings, songs, and celebrations overlook the losses they have endured - and instead of being the ‘happiest season of all’, it becomes a hard time of year. Sometimes the Holidays are hard.

-Grief over the loss of a loved one.

-Illness - surgeries, cancer, failing health of loved ones, chronic illness.

-Family struggles or the heartache of divorce or estrangement.

-Financial struggles are acute this time of year.

-Loneliness, tears, and uncertainty about how to proceed are all a part of the holidays for some.

I am worn out from my groaning. All night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. - Psalm 6:6

Where can we find joy when we can’t? In this post I hope to spend some time bearing the burdens of the hurting, weeping with those who weep, and reflecting on some strategies for confronting the hardships that often steal our joy. Joy is available, and we can experience the benefits of joy down deep in spite of circumstances that cause us to struggle. But it does seem elusive. What can we do to find joy when we can’t? Hear Paul writing from prison to his beloved Philippian friends. 

1. Find Joy in the Good Memories 

Every time I think of you, I give thanks to my God. - Philippians 1:3, NLT

We naturally focus on the things that are weighing on us now. Take some time to remember the good times and good things intentionally. Perhaps write them down in a journal. Share with a friend over coffee.

2. Find Joy in the Love and Support of Others

For I know that as you pray for me and the Spirit of Jesus Christ helps me, this will lead to my deliverance. - Philippians 1:19, NLT

Sometimes the support of others is not supportive. They say things that hurt because often they don’t know what to say. Be gentle with your consolers. Just forgive them. You may have to set boundaries - explain to them what you are willing and not willing to do this year.

Allow others to express their love and care and understand that they are there for you. God is working through their prayers.

3. Find Joy in Moving Ahead Imperfectly

Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 3:12-14, NIV

There’s nothing wrong with you if you continue to struggle. Our lives are not Hallmark movies, with perfectly timed snowfall or unexpected romance. 

Randy Becton wrote, “We expect a superhuman strength that, when the chips are down, we likely won't have. We become very critical and sometimes even destructive toward ourselves.”

Some things to Avoid:

• Being ‘strong’ for others. “This is not the time to be strong, it’s the time to be human.” -Zig Ziglar

• Pretending not to hurt. Feel free to admit, “this hurts.” Give other people the chance to gently offer support. 

• Avoid the fear of asking for help (professional, mental, medical).

• Avoid isolation.

• Avoid numbing the pain with substance abuse - this will only create more

  depression.

It takes a lot of courage to honestly face all the pain of the season, but go easy on yourself - no one does this perfectly. 

4. Find Joy in Turning From Anxiety to Prayer to Peace

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. -Philippians 4:6-7, NLT

Prayer is a conversation with God, who loves for you to spend time with Him. So tell God exactly how you feel. Randy Becton observed, “We can be angry at God and we can tell Him all about it. It’s okay. He understands. He wants us to bring Him our grief. This is a way we lean on Him in our hurts and a way He gives us peace.”

Peace is mentioned three times in Philippians:

• Peace comes from God (Philippians 1:2 Grace and peace to you from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.)

• Peace guards your heart (Philippians 4:7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.)

• Peace remains with you (Philippians 4:9 And the God of peace will be with you.)

Photo by Debby Hudson on Unsplash

5. Find Joy in Depending on God to Survive

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength. - Philippians 4:12-13, NIV

I’ve quoted Randy Becton a few times in this post. A link to his article is below. He writes, “Dr. Joseph Worden says nobody can tell you how long it will take you to reach that healthy level of coping. We're all different. …The good news is that you're likely to get there. Why do I believe that? Well, I like the Old Testament reference to God as our strength and refuge, ‘a very present help in time of trouble’. He will get you there.”

Photo by Thalia Ruiz on Unsplash

Lessons from Tangled Christmas Lights - Jan Borgman

Jan Borgman writes about going through a time of grief and struggle. She related her heartache to untangling a mess of holiday lights.

She writes, “I realized that the only way I was going to get through this experience was to be patient.” As the [tangled] ball [of lights] became smaller, I knew I was making progress.  Each time I thought I was past the worst tangle, I would find another one, but this time it was smaller and easier to figure out.  As I work through my grief, the same can be said.  Each new challenge seems smaller and easier to manage because of the progress I have already made.

I gazed upon the lights, I realized each of the colors represents a part of my grief.  

• The red lights remind me of the love I shared.  I recalled the happy times, and the wonderful memories I hold in my heart.

• The red lights also remind me of the things I need to stop doing such as denying my feelings and blaming myself.

• The blue lights represent my sadness….times when I feel sad. I embrace my pain instead of denying it. Admitting that I was sad made it easier to reach out and ask for help.

• The yellow lights represent the brightness in my life as I smile at all the memories I hold. The brightness truly outshines the sadness.

• The green lights represent my hope for the future.  Hope gives me permission to move forward with my life as I learn to live with my loss. 

When I finally plugged them in, I noticed that some of the bulbs were burnt out. It reminded me that even though those we love may no longer be with us, they are still part of our lives.  Just as the other lights stayed lit, when someone we love dies, it doesn’t mean we have to stop living. 

“I never imagined that those tangled Christmas lights would help me find meaning in my grief and strength to face the holidays.”

When the Holidays are hard. Paul helps us find joy when we can’t. We find joy in …

• Good memories

• Love from others

• Moving ahead imperfectly

• Turn from anxiety to peace

• Depending on God to survive.

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Questions For Discussion

1. As Paul writes from Prison, what can we name that suggests he writes from a place of heartache, perhaps grief, pain, and disappointment?

2. What are some things about the holidays that are appreciated and loved by many people, which makes it difficult and painful for other people?

3. What would you suggest to a hurting friend who is finding it painful and difficult to come to church?

4. How does Paul’s confession that he has not “already obtained all this” help us in our struggles with painful situations in life? (Philippians 3:12-14) Paul says he strains toward what is ahead. What are some ways we can ‘strain toward’ the goal of heaven?

5. What is the relationship between prayer and peace? When have you experienced peace you didn’t expect? How does peace guard our hearts?

6. When Paul says he has “learned the secret of being content” - is he acknowledging his painful circumstance or being dismissive of it? What would be the difference between those two approaches?

7. What resonated with you in Jan Borgman’s Lessons from Tangled Christmas Lights?

8. Is there anything especially pressing on your heart during this holiday season that we can pray about?

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Video of this message HERE.

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Resources

Becton, Randy. Preparing for the Holidays: A Message for Those Who Grieve

Petherbridge, Laura. Survival Tips for Handling the Holidays www.laurapetherbridge.com.

Borgman, Jan. Holiday Grief and the Lessons from Tangled Christmas Lights (a .pdf file)

Heird, Emily. Surviving Your First Post-Divorce (or Post-Separation) Holiday Season

A large archive of online Grief Resources is HERE.